The Idea Isn't to Perfect Yourself - It's to Grow Your Love
by WITHIN Meditation Teacher and Community Manager Tasha Brown
I remember the moment when I realized that mindfulness meditation isn't about making myself better and better, desperately trying, as I have in the past, to be this version of myself that doesn't make mistakes, that isn't ever hurting, unhappy, or anxious, and that's got it all figured out - it was the first time I tried a RAIN (recognize, allow, investigate, nurture) meditation with one of my teachers, Tara Brach.
How odd and uncomfortable it was when, at one point in Tara's guidance she asked me to offer myself kindness and compassion. "What would that look like?" she asked.
My mind went blank. I had no clue. And, in that moment of not having any answer to the prompt I realized that I'd never offered myself kindness.
Sure, I'd gone to other people seeking kindness (for a hug, or looking for someone who would listen to my woes) but I'd never offered it to myself or had any idea how to do so.
And then Tara said, "Imagine yourself as a small child. What would you say to yourself? Or, imagine the kindness coming from a good friend or loved one that you trust - what would they say?" It was then that I realized I did have the answers of how to be kind, as I had offered it to others or received it from them. But what was surprising was to realize that I hadn't ever tried offering it to myself.
Now that I've been meditating for many years, I've found that love, and in particular, self love and self compassion, is one of the main reasons I continue to meditate. Because when I build that muscle, when I practice having a compassionate response to myself, it has such a profound influence on my life.
I'm less likely to expect or strive for perfection, more likely to embrace my humanity, and consistently seeing how being kind to myself allows me to live with abandon.
Why?
Because I'm not as often bogged down by the feelings of guilt or shame that typically come when I'm not being kind to myself (which was definitely my habit before). For instance, when I hurt someone I love I still feel remorse or maybe sadness, but I don't stay there. I work through those feelings with meditation and I follow them up with kind phrases to myself like "it's going to be ok", "this doesn't mean you're going to do it again", "I'm here", as well as other kindness tools offered in RAIN and other compassion-building meditations.
Having self love and compassion means I've got my own wellbeing at heart, I'm trusting in my innate capacity for compassion and I'm being a good friend to myself so that it's so much easier to start anew or to try again or to just.... be.
Tasha is WITHIN’s Community Manager, and teaches occasionally in our online studio. Join her for a class!